chyea

Sometimes I wish I could be an angsty teenager again. I just had such good things to say back then. I guess that college ruined me. I guess I'm just over dramatic. College. Psh. What's the point? Other than making my parents proud...I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong, I have had some fabulous experiences and met some wonderful people, and I've even learned some stuff but the entire institution of higher learning is well...a little stupid.

I sort of want people to read this blog. But it's just weird. Why are we so vain? People for years and years have kept private, secret, hidden journals. But in the last decade people have decided that they should get to whine ...in public. And then other people read it? I don't need people knowing all of my drama queen business!

Speaking of Drama Queen, I have not been living up to my title these past few months (years). I was such a glamazon back in the day and now I'm just gross. Something has got to give. An old friend actually said something to me a month ago about it and I can't stop thinking about how lame I have gotten. I used to love a good scandal and now...they just float around me, always out of reach.

Whatever. Maybe I'll write a book called "How Nicole got her Groove Back". And then I'll have more shoes than Carrie Bradshaw.

Maybe.

Imagine my surprise when you loved me back

This is from PostSecret. If you live under a rock, PostSecret is a website in which millions of people mail in their secrets. It is awesome. Anyway, this phrase is all I keep thinking. For my very devoted readers out there (which, let's be honest, totals to no more than 1) I think you should get to hear about my happy ending.
I'm sure that you're felt the anguish in my posts and cried along with me. Well, rejoice friend! The world is finally spinning at a pace that I can function in. It took 8 and a half months, but everything is right.

We're together again. Now, after reading the last post, you're probably shaking your head at me. I would be too. It doesn't really make sense, which is why we aren't telling anyone yet. Tomorrow will be a week, and as much as I want to stand on a mountain and sing, I understand. He and I had a talk, a real talk. Most talks are me...talking and him staring into space. Needless to say, they aren't very productive. But this time, for the first time in a LONG time, he talked. And finally...explained. And he was right. And I apologized.

And let's face it. Sometimes two people just find each other and ...there is just no one else.

we're those people.

He's just not that into you

You have no idea how applicable that saying is for me.
NO ONE IS "JUST THAT INTO ME".
My ex-boyfriend/love of my life, for example. He apparently was hooking up with some girl for a few weeks and I found out and he said he'd stop, because we're trying to "work things out". So, this friday he is hosting an Open Mic Night at his place and invites me...AND THIS GIRL. So, when I confronted him and told him that it just made me feel weird to be around her, and that frankly it was a bit disrespectful, he said

"Well, you don't have to come then.

Fuck my life.

I love the 90s

I really do, it is probably because it was the decade of my childhood. It was so glorious, I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact most of my favorite music is from that decade. I am secretly in love with Kurt Cobain, I am not so secretly in love with 3EB, and I still have all of my My Little Ponies.

So, let us now discuss the point of this blog. "Run Around" by Blues Traveler, which came out in 1994. I have heard this song probably thousands of times of the radio over the past 16 years. I can't believe it took me until this week to realize just how AWESOME this song is. Let me give you a little except

"Tra la la la la bombardier this is the pilot speaking
And I've got some news for you
It seems my ship still stands no matter what you drop
And there ain't a whole lot that you can do
Oh sure the banner may be torn and the wind's gotten colder
Perhaps I've grown a little cynical
But I know no matter what the waitress brings
I shall drink in and always be full
Yea I will drink in and always be full"

I just want to stand up in the middle of my Intro to Literature course and yell "YES!" I now further love my life because the song has its own Wikipedia article... Double Yes!

This post marks me being okay. The quote that I put up there is how I feel. My ship is still standing, and no matter what it will continue to stand. It is such a good feeling. I know that I will have some grand love, something wonderful. I will. I will.

Some people end up together..& some people just end.

I guess I got the latter. I always wonder what makes a relationship work. I see couples who have been together for what seems like forever and ...they're still happy. They're still having fun, they're still together. Is it me? Probably. Do I care? not really.

I am not going to let this "break up" rule me.
Because I am a woman, and I am strong.
I will still listen to all our "our" songs & I will still sing very loudly and rock out when appropriate.
I will not stop myself from crying when I am sad, but I will wake up in the morning and continue on.

I can't be, nor will I try to be anything that I am not. That has never been my character and it never will be. All I can do is continue breathing in the same patterns that I always have, and hope for the best.

Because the best is yet to come. I will love and be loved. I am worth love.

I am.

"I'm not not moving on"

I mean, it's legit. That's what people do right? They move on. Why does that seem like such an incredibly hard idea for me to grasp? Not having him is almost tolerable..but moving on. I could almost laugh at it. All I can do is breathe my way through today, and tomorrow, and the next few days after that..and maybe by then it'll be just a little bit easier.

Maybe it's for the best too.
I so badly want to backspace that.
But maybe it is. I mean..I know how much I have to offer someone, how much love I am more than willing to give.
So what happens when the kind of love that you want to give someone isn't the kind of love that they need. I have been loving the same boy, unashamedly for over three years now, and everyday it gets clearer and clearer that it just isn't right.

So what, do I live the single 20's life? That's cool, I guess. Oh God, do I have to go through unrequited love again, like in high school? Are people going to (want to) take me out on dates?

I don't want any of those things. But, I guess that's what life is going to give me.

So when I see you
In spite of all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun