Friday, April 30, 2010

"I'm not not moving on"

I mean, it's legit. That's what people do right? They move on. Why does that seem like such an incredibly hard idea for me to grasp? Not having him is almost tolerable..but moving on. I could almost laugh at it. All I can do is breathe my way through today, and tomorrow, and the next few days after that..and maybe by then it'll be just a little bit easier.

Maybe it's for the best too.
I so badly want to backspace that.
But maybe it is. I mean..I know how much I have to offer someone, how much love I am more than willing to give.
So what happens when the kind of love that you want to give someone isn't the kind of love that they need. I have been loving the same boy, unashamedly for over three years now, and everyday it gets clearer and clearer that it just isn't right.

So what, do I live the single 20's life? That's cool, I guess. Oh God, do I have to go through unrequited love again, like in high school? Are people going to (want to) take me out on dates?

I don't want any of those things. But, I guess that's what life is going to give me.

So when I see you
In spite of all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dreaming with a broken heart

John Mayer isn't my favorite. Here really isn't all that cute, plus that whole Jennifer Aniston thing really proved that no matter how much he croons, he is still a jerk. ANYWAY. No matter how much of a jerk he is, I can't help but love his songs, well, mostly just the older ones.

I have been dreaming with a broken heart, for quite a while now. Maybe you know what that is like. In case you don't I can easily sum it up. It is incredibly painful and absolutely no fun.
It's such a surreal feeling too. When your heart is broken, for you it is like time stops. Like everything that mattered or seemed so real...just isn't. But no matter how much your life has stop, the world refuses to stop too. The sun will rise, and the clouds will rain. Babies will be born, and Cancer will infect those you love. Since my heart has broken, all of these things have happened.

I am so incredibly angry that we are over. it isn't fair. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. We found each other, which is all two people can really ever ask for. To find someone. And, I found my someone. And we were supposed to be happy forever. I am just very angry because that isn't what happened. It's like someone gave me something incredibly beautiful as a gift, and then took it away. And every day now all I can do is think about the beautiful gift that I had.