"I'm not not moving on"

I mean, it's legit. That's what people do right? They move on. Why does that seem like such an incredibly hard idea for me to grasp? Not having him is almost tolerable..but moving on. I could almost laugh at it. All I can do is breathe my way through today, and tomorrow, and the next few days after that..and maybe by then it'll be just a little bit easier.

Maybe it's for the best too.
I so badly want to backspace that.
But maybe it is. I mean..I know how much I have to offer someone, how much love I am more than willing to give.
So what happens when the kind of love that you want to give someone isn't the kind of love that they need. I have been loving the same boy, unashamedly for over three years now, and everyday it gets clearer and clearer that it just isn't right.

So what, do I live the single 20's life? That's cool, I guess. Oh God, do I have to go through unrequited love again, like in high school? Are people going to (want to) take me out on dates?

I don't want any of those things. But, I guess that's what life is going to give me.

So when I see you
In spite of all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun

Dreaming with a broken heart

John Mayer isn't my favorite. Here really isn't all that cute, plus that whole Jennifer Aniston thing really proved that no matter how much he croons, he is still a jerk. ANYWAY. No matter how much of a jerk he is, I can't help but love his songs, well, mostly just the older ones.

I have been dreaming with a broken heart, for quite a while now. Maybe you know what that is like. In case you don't I can easily sum it up. It is incredibly painful and absolutely no fun.
It's such a surreal feeling too. When your heart is broken, for you it is like time stops. Like everything that mattered or seemed so real...just isn't. But no matter how much your life has stop, the world refuses to stop too. The sun will rise, and the clouds will rain. Babies will be born, and Cancer will infect those you love. Since my heart has broken, all of these things have happened.

I am so incredibly angry that we are over. it isn't fair. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. We found each other, which is all two people can really ever ask for. To find someone. And, I found my someone. And we were supposed to be happy forever. I am just very angry because that isn't what happened. It's like someone gave me something incredibly beautiful as a gift, and then took it away. And every day now all I can do is think about the beautiful gift that I had.

Everything is Rent!

"Vive la vie boeheme!

When I was 16, my friend and her parents took me to go see RENT (thank you, thank you, thank you!) The movie had just come over, but I never see a movie before the show (So, no I haven't seen Mama Mia and I don't want to!) If you never got a chance to see RENT on Broadway... I'm sorry. It's closed now, and it makes my heart sad, because I'd love to see it again. Thankfully, the movie is FANTASTIC! It's got most of the original cast in it and, is the only thing that is going to get me though exams. My roommate (also, a kindred soul) and I have re-found our RENT obsession. We laugh, we cry, we sing really loudly, we get in trouble by our RA (shh). It doesn't matter, it's so worth it. It's the most inspiring movie of all time.
GO GET IT!
IT'S GREAT, I PROMISE!

Heyyy Momma!

So, It's mother's day. Go Moms! My mom (and dad and brother) came to visit me at College for the day and it was really nice. I got my mom a hat that says "Delaware Mom" and a book about Abigail Adams. My mom has a new found love for American History, and Abby Adams was definitely the first American "you go girl" kinda Woman.
My mom is just really great. Honestly. I mean, not that your mom isn't great, but Mary is one fine woman. (Plus my brother didn't get her a present so I am SO the favorite child now!!)
And because Verizon is awesome and had a Mother's day Sale, My mom and I got new phones! (yay!) My last phone has been through hell and back (no...seriously) and I've had it since I was about...17? But my new one is just beautiful.



Let's see, I've only got a few weeks of school left. UD is a stupid school that keeps their students locked away until June :( But, it's alright I suppose. I just can't wait to be done. I've got a townhouse to live in all by myself this summer. I think it's going to be good for me. I just need to find a second job to get my rent paid. Being 19 sucks. It really does. I'm not an adult, I don't know how to operate my life yet, and I'm not a kid who can just whine until my parents will do it for me. I'm the awkward middle stage. Fantastic.

Okay Okay, so not to toot my own slut horn (I can't give myself credit for that wonderful phrase, sadly enough) I love this one. Love. A rareity. In my Creative Writing class we were each to look at the same picture and write a poem, it was really cool to see what everyone wrote. The picture was simple and stick figure man pulling along a heavy looking key through a forrest.

It started off as a tiny secret
that could be locked behind a tiny door
sealed shut with a tiny key of regret
But years of lies lured the tiny secret to grow more.
Feeding off of fear it grew and had to be moved
to a place not so tiny now, in a place quite far away
it had grown and no longer could its flaws be smoothed.
“You mustn’t return I’ve got to move on”, he’d say.
The man to whom the not so tiny secret belonged
was afraid and he’d run from spot to spot
with the not so tiny key following along
“I hate you secret, I want you not!”
He said as he stuttered and sputtered, choked with fear
pushing and pulling and panting and gasping as hard as he could
but keeping his voice down all the while, afraid someone may hear.
And he pulled that monstrous key, and locked the secret for good.



And, just for some fun: http://www.fromkeetra.com/posts.php?post=055
My boyfriend always seems to find fantastical things on the internet, this being one of them.

Oh Snap!

They really don't give you much to work with in the Font area. I'm going to have to dust off my brain and start to remember how to fix the HTML, but that's for a later date.
Anyway, so now I have a blog. I mean, why not? I'm young, hip, and cool.
... right.
So, maybe someone will what to read this. And if not, C'est la vie. So, let's make this one interesting.

How do you make friends? Seriously. Because I don't have any.*
*disclaimer: yes I do, I'm just whiny and over exaggerate a lot.
I have friends..just not in my nearby vicinity. And when I say "friends" I mean people that call you up on a friday night so you don't have to make you boyfriend come over because you're crying and scare the living daylights out of him and make him give you the rest of his chinese food because it's the only thing that might help.

..not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything.

So, you can chew that one over, lemme know how it tasted, or just spit it back in my face, I'll understand.

ALSOOO
I think it's time for me to come out of my shell and share what I write.
here's piece number one. I wrote it last year in my creative writing class. There's been quite a bit of editing, and I still feel like something is off, but... I can't figure it out. Maybe you can.
Also, I'd like to add that this is a huge step for me, I hate being an English major because I hate having my work read. It's time for me to get over that.

I entitled it Morbidity. Because..that's what it is.

Pull me up, I’m falling behind, and I cannot reach this top alone
Come back- don’t leave; I will not make it on my own.
Follow me, let’s lie in the field, and let the tall grass consume our minds.
Watch the Northern Lights, as they burn our eyes.
Purple fading into green, Oh! And how the blue one dances so
don’t turn your back, where will you go? No, not yet, no
this is not your time, this time belongs to me, it is mine.
I have heard the voices, I have seen the signs.

I will sew our skin together, so you cannot tear away.
We’ll thrive in nights and hide from day.